Today someone spoke to me about relationships and contended that we have to give up some of our needs in order to make a relationship with another work.  I said, that we did not need to give up our needs.  The need to strike a compromise may require giving up some of our wants.  I make a distinction between needs and wants.  If relationships prevent us from fulfilling our needs, I believe they are not serving us.   How do we love another, if we fail to love our selves through self-neglect?

It is a mistaken notion of sacrifice that requires a neglect of our selves for others.  'No greater love exists than that someone lay down their life for another' is a biblical phrase whose misinterpretation I believe got this notion started.  How is this spiritual?  Would a loving creator rig creation to engender horrid scenarios where such a choice became a sign of greatest love?  I do not think so.  What do you think?

I can see that we may face situations where we have to put our life at risk in order to help those we care about.  I can see also that we may put another's life ahead of our own in the recognition of the value and the oneness of all life.  In that sense, the biblical phrase can indeed show evidence of great love, because it is perhaps grounded in a realization that transcends the notion of you and I.  Thus, the needs of everyone as a whole are met.

Such sacrifice is a highly individual choice that I believe cannot be judged by an outsider.  Thus, I am not sure that we can ultimately say whether such love was indeed present.  The choice may have been made from a false estimation of the value of one's own life.  I seriously question whether martyrs, the Kamikaze, or those happy to die for a 'holy war' are necessarily motivated by love and the deepest regard for life.  It may be so and yet it might also not be so.  What do you think?

Lastly, I want to make the distinction between need and want clear.  What do we need in life?  Can we be free of needs?  I believe an abundant life can only come from the fulfillment of our needs.  Thus, recognizing and fulfilling our needs is an important part of our spirituality.  If we cannot distinguish between our needs and our wants, how can we be sure to fulfill them in a world where all our wants may not be met?  Therefore, discovering what we truly need and what we want is very important.

In the process of seeking to distinguish the two I have found to have fewer needs.  Those that remain are truly profound.  I have further found that seeking to fulfill the remaining needs also seems to provide me with all I ever really wanted.  Many of the perceived earlier wants turned out to be an attempt to substitute what I needed, that I felt I was lacking.

Perhaps I thought I needed chocolate, in order to have sweetness in my life.  I wanted chocolate, but what I really needed was love.  Perhaps I sought out a relationship to obtain love.  I gave up many of my needs in order to please another so I would feel loved.   Perhaps I gave up the need to find love inside myself.  The love in another's arms becomes a fix for the real thing.

This however fixes nothing.  It may patch up our impoverished loveless state, but only shortly.  Since our real need for love is not met, we make demands of our "loved" ones to give us what they cannot and what we have not given to ourselves.  We have given up our needs by attempting to please them and fail, because we become needy instead of pleasing.  Thus, what have we achieved with our supposed altruism?

When the fix wears thin, back again comes chocolate and so many other distractions, wants that are not true.  Instead of seeking the increasingly impossible state of fulfillment, the work of soul searching may bring us to a realization that all these manipulations may have been unnecessary.  Embracing and cultivating an attitude of lovingness may provide us with all we need.  I do not wish to overlook the real needs for food, shelter, clothing, exercise, rest, meaningful creative work, and good company.  I believe that all these will come in due course of time, if we continue to exercise the courage that comes with lovingness.

Our needs may then often be met instantly when we recognize them.  Perhaps we still long to be in the arms of another.  Perhaps we still enjoy an occasional piece of chocolate.  These now though are preferences.  Our wants are easily met, because loving is attractive.  If they are not met immediately, it is not a big deal, because we are already satisfied by the abundance of our lovingness.  What are your reflections on these ideas?