The following essay is about how to find love and intimacy in life. I share a recent healing experience in which I met my dream woman, a consequent dream, and the reflections that came from these two experiences. I will show, how I see that we can have all the love and intimacy we want and how to go about having it. As always, I hope it will benefit you immensely in your life and stimulate your own reflections.
At the beginning of the session she went straight away with her first touch to the place where I carried some discomfort. It was great how she was able to hone in on this immediately and I asked her what she thought it was about. She said she would tell me in a few moments.
Then in my mind's eye I saw this lady with long brown hair. For some reason I thought at first that it might be an inner form of Eva, but it was someone else.
I mentioned this to Eva. She told me the area she was working on had been caused by an emotional issue. She then proceeded to say to me that she was being told to let me know I was loved over and over again, how much I was loved. She also said that I was still blocking the experience a little. She thought it might have to do with the busy surroundings and thought it would be different in a private room.
I attempted to relax further and started to cry. I realized the lady I saw in my mind's eye was the woman or extremely close to the woman I had always envisioned I would marry one day. I sensed the lady I saw in my mind's eye, and that Eva seemed to recognize as well, was a great love of some past lifetime. Perhaps the love I thought I would have, was represented in my mind by the perfect love I once had.
My response to the message that I am loved, loved, loved was appreciative, but coupled with the question: "Why, if I am loved so much, aren't you here with me?"
I spoke with Eva about the session a little afterwards and cried a little more when I admitted that I was feeling lonely. I hated to admit that, because I have no reason to feel this way, yet this is the truth of the moment. I am also still looking for a way to share my life with someone who is as special as the experience I feel in my heart and know in my soul.
Eva seemed to understand the pain I was expressing. She spoke of a love and life we know that does not exist here at this time in the world around us. This leaves us with this pain. She also asked me to pay attention to my dreams for the next three days. I wrote all this down in my dream journal, because it leads up to the dream I had the following early morning.
That Sunday after the work at Church I slept five hours during the day, which is very unusual for me. Then I stayed up till about 2:30 AM, which is not very smart. The next morning I dreamt of someone who seemed to be my childhood sweetheart, Bettina. She was having marital problems. Her husband was mean to her and they were struggling greatly with their finances. I asked her if she loved him. She wept as I held her head to my chest.
I also felt like crying and told her, that I would have proposed to her had I only had more means, more money to take care of us. I told her, in retrospect I would have done so seeing that she now seemed to suffer with financial challenges anyway. I do not suffer with them in "real" life, although my means have been modest. In the dream however this was the theme.
In reviewing this dream I remember this lady had short blond hair. The husband had long blond hair. I am not sure of the significance of this. I know though, that it most likely was not Bettina. Bettina only symbolized the intense love I had projected onto her in my childhood. It was to me the one worthwhile reason for this world's existence.
The interpretation I recognize at first glance seems fairly obvious. I feel I cannot have the pure love I seek, because I cannot provide the means to support it adequately. It is the thought that I could not support and shelter my love in this world, romantically or perhaps personally. By that I mean the inability to shelter love externally or internally feels like a great loss to me. It seems like a source of constant deep pain.
I believe the answer the dream provides is not to take on the responsibility for the outer care as a measure of love, that love can exist independently. Failure to be able to shield love against the woes of the world does not take away from its purity nor does it diminish it in any way.
I have often felt an urge to do better, to work very hard and do my utmost to be able to provide a space of comfort for my loved ones. This has felt like a great burden.
Further, my perceived inability to shield innocence from the brutalities of this world has caused me grief. Now I see, perhaps there is another way. I wish to reflect more on this to realize the lesson of this dream thoroughly. Here are my reflections.
The dream fits well with the book that fell into my hands two days ago at such an appropriate time, "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch, Ph.D. I am realizing something about love that I was working up to. It is being brought out more clearly by reading this book and of course most profoundly by the healing I received.
I am realizing that sharing intimacy is independent of the way love is expressed in this world. Outwardly successful behavior (i.e. succeeding in being a provider for the needs of loved ones or being a great lover in terms of performance) is not necessarily a sign that the desire of love has been met. Unsuccessful behavior or results are likewise not necessarily a sign that the desire of love has not been met.
I can draw on a Christian analogy. The need to give birth to Jesus in a manger was not necessarily a sign that Joseph and Mary did not love each other or their child to be, because they had him in inadequate surroundings. Could you imagine in modern terms, how Mary and Joseph might have felt, if Jesus had died due to catching a disease from the unsanitary surroundings in which he was born? I might say, oh well, I had little choice in the matter, but would I believe this fully and without some little doubt? How would you feel if you were to put yourself in this hypothetical situation?
Without an enlightened understanding of love and intimate relating I would find it hard in such a case to live with my choices. The question, whether I could have done better, whether I might have done differently might always nag at me unless I were able to grieve the loss of Jesus and all the ramifications this might have had. With the knowledge that love was not diminished I could say with conviction I did my best. I can know all is working out perfectly, even though the outcome seems horrible, sad, and very painful. Fortunately, in the above example we are told Herod did not succeed and Jesus grew up healthy to give his message of love to humanity. I believe the love he taught and spoke about was one that cannot be taken away or diminished. What do you think?
If this is correct, intimacy can be seen as an experience of an indestructible love. It can also be defined independently of outward factors. Living intimately gives meaning to our behavior. It focuses it. By bringing our love to the experience rather than drawing it from the experience, love is a force independent of the outcome of our loving actions.
By infusing our life with loving attention, the experience of it becomes a loving one. Our life here can be fulfilling and happy. Living this way enhances our love by perpetuating more of it. This is said with the understanding that love can never be taken away and perhaps our experience of it cannot either, if we choose to have it. Let me repeat it this way, love is experienced by bringing it to the experience. This last one is a logical outcome, perhaps an overwhelmingly obvious one to me, yet one I wish to feel more fully by recognizing these truths more deeply in the practice of my life. The question is not so much "am I loved" but "do I love and how well."
Wanting someone's love is definitely important to a wonderful relationship. Without mutuality and reciprocity, what is the point of having it? I need to bring intimacy to a relationship in the hope of experiencing it though. The secret lies in knowing ourselves intimately, and then waiting patiently and uncompromisingly for a loving response as we share our love with the other(s) without expectation or demand. What is your perspective?
As I reflect, more insights are coming to me. I have felt that deepening of intimacy requires deepening of autonomy to maintain balance. Without achieving such balance, one is barred from reaching deeper levels of intimacy. There is always some sticking point that gets in the way of the fun. By my insistence on some exclusive truth of mine without consideration of the value of it's opposite, I naturally resist that opposite and the dilemma persists.
As an example, I think of my swimming supports as a child. They were like balloons strapped around my upper arms to keep me afloat. One of the lessons of learning to swim was about sinking. I liked to dunk them under the water. If I did not press them down exactly in the middle, they would escape my hold and rise to the surface. It seemed to require more balance the further I pushed them under. The greater the depth, the more carefully I had to balance those factors that held the balloons under water.
To bring depth to my life and my relationships, I need to bring balance to them. I cannot do this, if it and they are lopsided in one direction or without polarity. This in my example is the equivalent of pushing the balloons sideways in the water or not exerting any pressure on them. In life, the downward pressure and buoyancy could be thought of as intimacy and autonomy. Intimacy requires autonomy and vice versa. The greater the force of one, the greater and more clearly directed the other needs to be. The greater the force of these polarities, the more balancing is required. This allows for pushing life to greater depth or in a more Zen perspective, allowing life to take us deeper. The greater our balance, the deeper the meaningfulness and joy of life and relationships becomes.
Therefore, living life fully and intimately requires diving in head long while standing one's ground. If this sounds too easy, it gets one step more involved. I did not know how to balance the balloons until I learned how to do it by balancing them. Likewise in life I may not know what my ground is and how to hold it, until I loose it by diving in. Then I have to learn about this loss, feel it, grieve it, grow from it by integrating it into a larger understanding of my innocence and beauty. As I loose balance and ultimately depth I rise to the surface of life where I live pressure free, safe, dull, and bored. When I am ready for more I dive back in.
Sometimes, I think we stay in the doldrums because we feel too wounded from the last bruising. Maybe we hit the bottom of the swimming pool on the last way down. I can learn more about how life shapes me with powerful and often painful motion, if I digest the experience and trust it to give me greater self-knowledge and autonomy. There is a shallow bottom at this end of the pool. Dive elsewhere or at a different angle, but why abandon swimming when it can feel so good!
Yes, I have a tender anatomy. Diving in is risky -- in the water, in relationships, in life. There are no guarantees that I will survive or win; however, if I sit and mope, I am guaranteed not to feel happy. Do you agree?
Who knows, perhaps I will not be tossed about so painfully as I adjust better to life's flow, to the conditions of the water experience. The next engagement with life becomes a deeper dive when I locate the deeper end of the pool and learn how to achieve a better diving angle; a more profoundly meaningful and enriching experience. I can be more intimately involved with the whole process. I know more of what goes into it, pun intended.
The same applies to relationships. We plunge in deep and then find ourselves painfully betrayed, when our partner does not behave to our expectations, demands, and perceived needs. Changing the partner is like attempting to adjust the motion of all the water in the pool, endlessly frustrating and futile. If I can understand that along my learning curve to greater intimacy I have to find out about the conditions of the water, the pool, and my place in it, I can be grateful for the experience. Instead of cursing the most intimate love and running from it with a wound that won't heal, I can adjust and face that intimacy with greater autonomy.
I am not suggesting to dive in headfirst foolishly. Some prior study of relationships may be prudent; however, nothing prepares us for swimming and diving except to swim and dive. Nothing prepares gregarious human beings for relationships except to have them.
Furthermore, hurt can take us to greater depth, if we allow experiencing of the hurt as ours, regardless of the justification we have for the perceived slight from our partner(s) against us. I believe that pain actually contains the treasure for a more passionate, intense, and intimate encounter in the future, if we embrace it and release it lovingly. What do you say?
As so often, after one thing there is yet another. I read this journal entry to my friend John the morning of the 27th of May. He saw a further point in the analogy of the water. When divers become very proficient at what they do, they do not make a big splash when entering the water. I think this is excellent.
Being pains-taking in one's commitment to achieve greater intimacy does carry a reward abundant a hundred fold over to the effort put forth. The achievement of such perfected diving is so wondrous to experience, even to behold! We were shown by the great diver and recent Olympic Gold Medallist, Greg Louganis, what bliss can come from it. I wanted to point this out, in order to remind myself of my purpose, the worth of it all. I feel a need to hear this in those moments where pain seems to overwhelm me and the risk of going on seems too great.
Further, John pointed out, that the lack of a splash was the evidence of the oneness the diver achieves with the water, a perfect entrance and merging with that element. This is what is possible in relationships! This is the promise of great balanced intimacy. We may not all have Greg Louganis' talent for diving, but we each have our own talent to explore and refine them in our relations. We all can achieve great heights of accomplishment and reward with practice and dedication. What is your talent? Are you taking pains where necessary to bring it forth, or are you holding back out of fear? Are you sharing your talent with others or are you withholding it out of fear of rejection or even ridicule?
Some have expressed to me that good relationships necessarily require discord. Great harmony was said to be too good to be true. I believe this observation is made out of a lack of recognition of the labor that went into creating such harmony. In comparison to the analogy of the diver, turbulence is the equivalent of splashing in relationships. Perhaps, the infancy of our personal development may be punctuated by such turbulence in every way, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually, etc. This turbulence however is not a requirement after maturity.
If it were an eternal condition, it would imply that the ideal is not achievable in human relations. Such a notion ultimately betrays our humanity. It reduces us to units of misery that somehow manage to experience a moment of pleasure occasionally. This is a far cry from the awesome eroticism and charge, the bliss that human beings are capable of. A divine spiritual experience of life is possible. Embracing the potential for bliss means we do not shun discord. We take the risk and feel pain where necessary to grow. Does this mean we should seek discord in order to be healthy or feel deficient if it is missing? I think not. Let me find out how to dive in without making a splash, even if I make a lot of splashes in the process.
Find out where your bliss lies. Let pain and pleasure be your guide to it! Make your loving mark in life.
The love others give me can remind me to reach for the love inside. I received healing touch from Eva. I recognized through a dream that love is not diminished except for any limitations I may erroneously impose on it. Even then, it is not diminished. Only my consciousness of love is effected.
Increasing my awareness of love requires that I share intimately and openly in order to experience it. The pivotal question I hold before myself is "how much and how well do I love," not "how much am I loved." It is fine to want love from others, but I loose love and myself if I look for it in others or demand it from them.
Instead, if I wish to find love, I must get to know myself and stand my ground uncompromisingly with the love I discover inside. This is my autonomy whose strength determines the depth of the intimacy I can experience. Strengthening autonomy and intimacy requires balancing, facing pain, and taking some risks. Passionate, intense, incredibly blissful, intimate encounters are possible with such commitment to life's process. The pain taken to achieve these relationships is not an eternal condition. Experience of deep love without pain is the promise of maturity. How deeply can we love? Are you going where your bliss lies? How are you sharing it with us? Will you share it with me? What is the loving hallmark of your life?
Thank you!
